Daily Struggles - I know all of us struggle daily to live a Christian life, but unfortunately I don't feel like it is a subject that is discussed in great detail with specific examples or with complete honesty as I still think we fear being judged by others. The problems we face each day and the true thoughts and emotions that are associated can be frustrating, embarrassing and sometimes tests our faith when we  can't seem to "conquer" a specific sin after repeated prayer. Sometimes we wonder where God is and want to give up! But we must stay in His Word and trust Him even though it is sometimes "easier said that done."
So I have decided to share with you each day my sins and the thoughts and emotions that I experience each day. I will be honest in saying that this is a little scary to me to let all of you know my inner most thoughts because I guarantee that I will not be a good example on living the Christian life. But I want to bring these things out in the open because I know that people struggle just as I do and I want everyone to know that they are not alone in their daily problems. To make us more comfortable about discussing these issues.
We take all of our problems to God first, but we also need the support of our brothers and sisters in Christ. Many of us experience a lot of people that make themselves available to us "on the surface", but are not willing to truly get involved and support us. Some people don't want to take the time or the effort and others are wrapped up in their own problems. I'm not judging anyone because I have been guilty of this very thing myself. But we must remember that we are the Body of Christ and all of us need to start acting like Christians and not just proclaiming to be one. Me included!
But I do know that when I accepted Jesus as my Savior, I dedicated my life to Him. I hope my honesty will help others and I also pray that it brings me even closer in my relationship with Jesus Christ.

Sunday, March 7, 1010  If anyone even follow this, I owe you an apology for not keeping up, but it's a perfect example of periods of discouragement we go through. Those who know me, realize that my Father and I have never gotten along, even though we love each other, it's like oil and water. He is negative, complains constantly, worships his vehicles to the point he is usually the only driver of one particular vehicle and if it rains will drive my Mom to work in the old lawn truck because he doesn't even like to get them wet. He is not saved. He believes in Jesus, but doesn't necessarily believe His Word as we are supposed to and my Dad is much too proud to surrender to God and accept Jesus as his Lord and Savior which breaks my heart. He has also never told my Mom or me that he loves us. Not once. Not even before my Mom married him or afterwards. She has never heard those words from him, nor have I. When I asked him why, he said real men don't say I love you. And of course he likes to pick fights with me over politics, my faith, the list goes on, he picks the opposite view and starts the fight and I fall into the trap and fight back. I've been praying every day for my Dad to get saved, for his heart to be unhardened and his negativity to be removed. As well for praying for him, I also have been praying for changes in my attitude and not to give in and fight with him. To try and see him in the eyes of Jesus, to show love for him so he can see the changes in me to make him at least curious about accepting Jesus and the changes Jesus can make in our lives and especially our eternal lives. Well, February 28, 2010, another huge fight arose and I blew up like I hadn't in a long time, dishonoring my parents, per the Bible, this should result in death. Not only did I sin against my parents, I sinned against God in such a huge way that I was having a hard time even going to God to ask forgiveness because I was so ashamed and knew I didn't deserve it. I asked anyway, but it took me 3 days to be so sick, crying out to God, with oceans of tears begging for His forgiveness once again as I have to do everyday. But still finding it hard to forgive myself days after I knew God had forgiven me because the promise He has made to us. Here is an example of a repeated sin that I constantly pray for that doesn't seem to be improving and my flesh is so weak, I fall into the devil's trap of battling my Dad. It's like I have no will power in this area or that I'm so stubborn minded, that I say and do what I want, rebelling against God, no matter what the consequences. And I will be honest, consequences from God for my sins scare me to death! And STILL in this area, I fail! But also, I will not give up. I will cry out to my God everyday to heal our relationship and I believe and have faith that He will save my Dad. Also, I have decided to update this website weekly because it's also hard to keep up working long hours, driving long hours and getting everything done I need to do through the week. But just remember don't give up. He brought me out of this, even though I know I'm going to mess up again, He will keep transforming me until my relationship with both my parents is a loving one without the constant fighting. I want my family to love God and one another.

Monday, February 22, 2010 - I called in sick today  because I literally felt like I was at death's door and was so dizzy that I couldn't walk.  In addition to my chronic daily pain that has not yet been diagnosed yet, I was simply a mess.
I finally got up at 1:00 and worked to 6:00 on my laptop out of guilt for missing work.  But here is where my guilt  to God lies for this day.
I was very sick and found time to work for 5 hours, but how much time did I give to Him? About an hour, reading a Bible Study and never bothered to open the Bible, how He communicates with me.  
Did I come to Him in prayer to lay my illness at His feet, to thank Him for having a job where I could take a day off or to thank Him for a house and a bed to lie in? No, I didn't.  I know to most of you, this might not seem so bad since I was sick or it might sound a little crazy to most.
 But it was bothersome to me because I needed Him even more yesterday,  but rather than going to Him for comfort and thanksgiving,  I spent the time dedicated to work .
All He wants from us is an intimate relationship and I couldn't even give  Him time while I was bedridden all day. This day was mild compared to what you will see in the future as I was sick, not sinning but neglect.  Here is just another issue where I beat myself up when I don't  make Him the center of my day. I think it's always important to remember to make time to spend with Him.  Even though I didn't make Him the center of my day, He still loves me just the same, but sometimes I have a hard time accepting that because I know I don't deserve His love and it blows my mind that He always loves me no matter what.  
This is an example of one of my battles which is thinking I can "win" His love. Remember that there is nothing that we can ever do to repay Him, but it's about what Jesus already done for us on the cross. I know this is a  free gift of  His grace that I need to accept and I am aware there is nothing that I can do ever do to pay Him back, but I struggle with this daily.  I believe His Word with all my heart, it's just hard to apply it to myself.
Trying desperately to please Him every day without sinning and to spend 10% of my day that I'm awake with Him to build that relationship and increase my knowledge of His Word. But when I'm so hard on myself every day, I ruin the pleasure of His presence, His peace and simply enjoying His love.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010 - I'm home sick again, but starting to feel better. Of course I've been working on my laptop since 7:00 this morning out of guilt from missing work even though I will have to take a vacation day. I just received a phone call that the person I work with is telling lies about me again and complaining that I'm missing work. I don't know what he has against me to do the evil things he has done to me since I started working here. I've got plenty of PTO time which is used for both vacation and sick days AND I'm working from home so he isn't responsible for any of my duties. I cry out to the Lord, WHY!? As this man claims to be a Christian too. But me (and others) have seen what he gets by with and we don't understand how he does it. I've learned not to defend myself because they take his word over mine every time which also makes me feel real good. It used to make me so mad, now it just brings me to tears as I feel stuck. This is where I start asking God how come people do these things and why do they get by with them. He either thinks that what he says won't get back to me or he just doesn't care. But I do know nothing will ever be done about it. I've been praying for this man for months and I haven't seen any changes, but I HAVE to continue to give him over to the Lord. If anyone bothers to read this, please pray for him too. In an economy like we have today, why would you try to get someone to lose their job for no reason? More struggles with the absolute fear of losing my job, this is the time I need to trust God and also the hardest time to trust Him as I know the good guy doesn't always win.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010 - Where do I begin? Idolatry! Due to hearing the lies that were being said while I was off work, sick in bed while still working so I wouldn't hinder my company's progress in the responsibilities that I have. I tried sincerely to be helpful to others while I should have been completely resting, only to be bashed in my absence. When I walked into work this morning, it's the first thing that entered my mind while he laughed and acted nice to me, but with a hint of being condescending like "Just you wait and see what's going to happen to you." My heart pounded heavily wishing I was just being paranoid, but experiencing these actions before that ended in me suffering from the results of his wrath.
But I treated him nicely, I offered to help him with any work that he might need help with. I meant it sincerely, but also feeling like I was walking on egg shells afraid to make a wrong move. I spent many moments in the day playing what he has done to me through the years over and over again in my head, still just wondering the simple question of why. And why his word has been taken over mine and other women that tried to get someone to pay attention to his actions.
I rarely have anyone speak to me and it's usually a simple hello or it's business. I have a couple of friends that can't talk to me as now they have suffered consequences for speaking to me. I wish I could list the things that I've been through here, but out of fear of losing my job, I cannot speak.
But all day, my heart has been in fear of what I might face on Friday.What if he finally got his way? They always wait until 4:30 on Friday's to walk people out. The humiliation as people stare at you with your small box of pictures. I prayed all day and God did give me peace several times and I would let my mind wander back there time and time again, but when you're in such close quarters, it's hard to stay focused on Jesus.
Especially knowing of the rumors that I'm on drugs because of how I sounded when I called and left a message that I wasn't coming into work. I had been up all night sick and my Mom was here when I called, but I guess you're supposed to speak very clearly and precise when you're exhausted with the flu. And if they say something, what am I supposed to say as an almost 40 year old woman? "Here's my phone, call my Mommy!" lol
Of course, no one has said anything to me about it yet, but when I emailed my boss some information today (he works in another building), I got a read receipt, but he did not reply back which is the first time he has never responded to me which of course brought on more fear.
Just remember, focusing on something negative like this is also idolatry. It doesn't have to be someone you admire on a high level. It's anything that takes your eyes and focus off Jesus Christ. Jayne Palmer gave me Jeremiah 29:11 and I greatly appreciated her love and support to give me God's Word. Here's the test where I MUST grow, to trust God. Whatever happens, He will take it and use it for the greater good for those who love Him.
Once again, please pray for this man and please pray for God to Strengthen my Faith and let me trust Him with all my heart. I do believe He might be breaking my pride, so that when I am weak, He is strong. I surrender unto Him, confess my sins as He shows mercy to forgive me, I thank Him as I am so blessed and I love Him the best way I know how at this time. And as I suffer the consequences of my sin, I pray to love Him even more, to grow in obedience so good fruits are automatically produced as He slowly molds me into the image of His son. But as you can see, I have a long way to go, but I shall not give up. I owe Him my life and I lay it before Him.
Father, You have told me that the testing of my faith develops perseverance. (James 1:3) Please help me to not refuse to be faithful in tests granted for my gain. In Jesus Name I pray unto you with all Thanksgiving and all according to Your will, Amen.

Thursday, February 25, 2010 - REBOUND!  After I spilled out my sorrows and thoughts of confusion yesterday, I got heavily convicted of having a pity party. When I let him get to me, I let him win because I'm suffering and he could care less and receives joy from my pain. 
I'm taking a stand today that no matter how he treats me and no matter what he does, God has my back. It might not always be how I would picture the "story to end." But God does know what is best for me even if I don't understand it.
2 Timothy 1:7 and 14 - For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. That good thing which was committed to you, keep by the Holly Spirit who dwells in us."
I forgave him again today and I will probably have to do that every day until I can start to view him as Jesus Christ sees him (at least the best that I can). I offered to help him today and I did some of his work and promised to do all of his work tomorrow while he will be out of the office. I will not let him keep me from being a nice and generous person.
I pray to continue to have a joyful heart as today, but I know I will fall again as I'm a growing Christian. But Praise God for His conviction and All Glory Goes to Him for giving me a peaceful mind and a heart full of overwhelming love today. So today is a day to Rejoice! A True Praise Report! But I ask all of you to please keep praying for him as I will.
Though my attitude and actions have to be altered for my peace of mind, he still needs help and prayer. And we know there is Power in Prayer and the more people praying for him the better. Another validation today, God has me right where He wants me at this time. 
Proverbs 3:5-6 - Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. AMEN!!

Friday, February 26, 2010 -  I was extremely blessed today as a co-worker gave me over 30 glucose kits with lancets and test strips so I can donate them to multiple animal shelters that I'm affiliated with, as one of my passions is rescuing animals. My company is having a "contest" quarterly where they give a $500 gift card to a charity of our choice. The Childrens Ministries Missionary Trip to Peru to build the Hannah's Hope orphanage has a chance to win to add to the fund raising money they are trying to collect to pay for the expenses to get there and do this  wonderful work! I am asking for your prayers we win! I am excited about the opportunity, but even though it had never crossed my mind before, I started having the feelings of pride like MY company could really help if they choose the Peru missionary trip, like I would get some kind of credit for it. It was a feeling that literally snuck up on me and bam! It was instantly a flash in my mind, but thankfully followed by immediate conviction! I have nothing to do with it except for letting Matt know about the opportunity. So I asked the Lord to forgive me and I need to ask Matt to forgive me as well. But I promise I really didn't mean it, it was a split second thought that entered my mind and I was ashamed immediately and I asked God to please reel me back in, to humble myself. Praise God!

But then I was grumpy and rude to my Mom tonight. She helps me out so much with my pets by giving Cymba his insulin shot at his designated time because I can't get home in time to give it to him when he needs it. I'm so thankful for her, but I just started criticizing her for wanted to keep these old metal lawn chairs that belonged to her Mom because they are taking up so much room in my storage unit that I can't even move around in it. Now I do worry  about her as she is trying to hoard everything that her Mom has ever owned that she has, because I don't think it's healthy, especially big metal lawn chairs and they are just material things. She has nice logical, meaningful things that belong to her Mom that she should keep in honor of her Mom, but she has kept everything.
 Her Mom is still alive but suffers from Alzeimers and even though she is in a nursing home, my Mom STILL takes care of her every single day with very little help from her siblings. I know my Mom fears the day that she doesn't recognize her anymore and when she passes away she will obviously be devastated.
But my grumpy, tired, self took it out on her without any concern for her feelings. I was just mean and she didn't deserve it. I had to get a hold of myself for about 20 minutes and I did apologize and I do feel horrible! But it's a perfect example, that even when we say stuff because we are tired or angry and we don't really meant it, even if we apologize, the damage is done. If she's having a bad day, those are the kinds of things she will remember, to make her feel sad and even worse. So just that statement tonight, I have to live with that the rest of my life knowing that hurt will still be in the back of her mind and will resurface. Even though there was forgiveness, Satan will use my words against her when he can. This is another example of another issue of completely forgiving myself when I know I have hurt and caused pain to others.

James 3:5-8
Even so the tongue is a little member and boasts great things.
See how great a forest a little fire kindles!
And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity. The tongue is so
set among our members that it defiles the whole body, and sets
on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire by hell.
For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and creature of the sea,
is tamed and has been tamed by mankind.
But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.

Saturday, February 27, 2010 - I was bedridden most of the day with severe pain, I hate when I let the pain run my life so I guess my biggest sin today is laziness. And not turning off a movie that had repeated profanity. I usually do because I can hardly stand to hear it anymore which is a huge step since it didn't used to bother me and I was guilty of using it. I did read the Book of Mark today and meditated on the Word. Still fighting the feelings like I never do enough when I owe Him everything, but knowing I can never repay Him. It just makes me sad sometimes.